Currently blogging on a Friday with two sleeping twins.
Laura Vanderkam's Daily "Vanderhack" email was titled "Plan for Depletion - how do get yourself back on track".
This seems fairly apt for my current state.
It's possibly come across in the blog, but I have been somewhat "meh" as of late. It's hard to be properly self analytical, but I know I was feeling very very tired since December. I started sleeping better in April, and the tiredness was replaced by some pretty major grumpy-ness. I'm not sure if better sleep gave me the energy to be really grumpy, or if something else is causing it, but a bit of googling made me think I've probably just got some mild burnout going on.
I mean, I've got 4 young kids and a almost full-time job and childcare and kid sports and kid friends... it's just... a lot.
I decided, like most rational people in my state, to just push through, do all the kid/family stuff, and keep going as hard and fast as possible in all the areas of life.
I have two classic Rachel sayings that really support this behaviour: "A candle burning on both ends is twice as bright" and "Overtraining is a type of training"
As you may have guessed, this behaviour didn't seem to fix my overwhelming grump.
I decided to start time logging again, to see if perhaps ChatGPT could give me some insight into my life. I I said "analyze this time log for me" and got the following
"This looks less like a schedule with too much paid work and more like a schedule where childcare, household management and logistics consume nearly every non-work hour, leaving very little protected time for focused personal projects, couple time, or genuine rest.
The biggest pressure point isn't total hours worked—it's the constant switching between responsibilities and the absence of large uninterrupted blocks of discretionary time.
1. Childcare is the biggest category
2. You rarely get uninterrupted time
3. Reading is your main recovery activity
4. Exercise happens but is inconsistent
I guess thanks to ChatGPT for the validation?
Also, let me take a step back and note that I have still been doing fun things. I had Elisabeth and family over for dinner!
I took them to Big Pit! I am not in a constant "woe is me, I do nothing but family" state. But, I was in a constant "I'm always "on" for family stuff, and I'll incorporate fun stuff into this as well."
A friend asked me on Monday when I get "rest"... when is my downtime. I told her it was 9:30-11:00 on Fridays when the twins are in Nursery, if there isn't a school thing or a half term. I was previously considering my work my down time, but my work is hard and that was making it hard to focus.
On Thursday, I did schedule some actual downtime off work, and I went swimming, did daytime reading, and took some easy time. I looked at my planner and goals, and I noted that one of my goals for last year was "schedule rest at regular intervals and not just when completely burnt out".
Oops, sorry previous Rachel!
So this is my Friday manifesto that I am going to schedule some more "me time" on more regular (ie not every 4 months) intervals. I used to do this - I ran a half marathon last year and ran 3x a week! I used to travel for work! It should be possible for me to have weekly quiet time (outside of Friday 9:30-11:00) which I can use for stuff. Rachel stuff, reading stuff, sports stuff... it should be possible but no one is going to design it for me. And then maybe once I make it happen I won't resent using other time for all the family stuff... and maybe I'll eventually even get caught up on my photo albums.
Maybe rather than being tired, or energetic and annoyed, I can be energetic and... not annoyed?
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I'm going to end with a whiplash comment that I AM HAVING SO MUCH FUN WITH
ELISABETH HERE. We went for a walk on Monday night and I could not remember the last time I had grown up time on a weekday evening. She babysat mostly sleeping kids so Andy and I could get a drink. And her kids are amazing with my kids and her daughter can almost run a full bedtime by herself (sometimes tired two year olds just want their mom). So while I've been generally grumpy, I am also astoundingly thankful for the good fun things that are happening. As The Lazy Genius says... "Good is here right now"
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| Belle and Aubrey - both are so cute! |
I feel like I have typed this on so many blogs recently. Please don't let Chat GPT do your therapy for you! It's a large language model and all it's doing is using predictive language. I feel like this trend of going to LLMs with all our problems is very disturbing! You can delete this if you think I'm overstepping, but you did that analysis without it and then think of all the information you're feeding this model (and not getting compensated for or even an authorial credit), all the resources LLMs use that are destroying entire neighborhoods and ecosystems, and how it could be giving wrong and dangerous information to someone who might not be thinking about it as much as you are. I feel like a Luddite with my pitchfork destroying looms as I go around from one blog to another talking about how much I dislike this trend of this using LLMs for things it should not be used for!!
ReplyDeleteI think it's a good point so I am definitely not going to delete it. I don't particularly add much weight to a large language model tokenistic probability machine to give me anything that would shock or add value to my life, I just found it particularly funny that (without real prompting) it also came to the same "downtime" conclusion that I did. I actually fed the time log back in and said "hey I think I have loads of free time, what do you think" and it disagreed, which I thought was funny since I thought they are programmed to agree with the brilliance of anyone who types into them.
DeleteOh and yes, you are right that LLMs are a horrifically destructive entity, totally unsustainable, and rife for destroying themselves with all the data they need and store. So my theory is by feeding it more "stuff" I am getting it one step closer to imploding on the sheer cost of running and managing the data it stores.
Obviously this blog is a place where Luddites are welcome! I mean, i don't use facebook or instagram and literally joined facebook a month ago. Luddite brigade assemble!
Thanks for the insight.
I mean't I joined WhatsApp a month ago. I'm still not a facebook person. Oops
DeleteIt's tough, because the goal is not to look back on life and say "I was always well rested". But also...we all get into situations where we have a lot going on and it gets to be too much. I don't have the solution, but it sounds like getting some Shouldless Time is a great place to start.
ReplyDeleteHaha I have no chance of looking back on life and thing i was well rested. But maybe choosing between being tired or being energetically grumpy is not the full picture of human experience.
DeleteShould-less Time! I need it.
This rings true to me. I have been there when the kids were young (er) but I didn’t have Chat or Claude back then. I wish I did.
ReplyDeleteI still- STILL - carry remnants of burnout from back then. But now we have to add perimenopause into the mix where the hormones are wacky. Le sigh.
Daria from NJ
Your kids are still so young, it makes me very happy that you consider your parenting era as different to mine. I think the difference between 2 and 5 is big... and I'm not wishing time away but I'm not *that* far off 5.
DeleteI keep trying to think of some tremendously helpful comment, but honestly, I think the hard truth is that the math of being a working mother often just doesn’t work.
ReplyDeleteFirst of all, you're not doing anything wrong. This feels hard and exhausting because it is truly hard and exhausting. From my outside perspective, it looks like you have tinkered with your schedule to find the best balance humanly possible. The problem is that what you’re asking of yourself is almost superhuman: to have enough time and energy to give your all to your work, your kids, your health, your relationships, and maybe even a tiny sliver of leisure.
Having four young kids is already a full-time job. And then you also have a big job. And you’re involved at their school. And you’re trying to exercise. And you’re managing all the invisible logistics that don’t show up neatly on a schedule. Like photobooks and playgroups.
I think it’s easy to look at a calendar and think, “Technically, this should work.” But real life has so much transition time. Getting dressed to exercise. Filling the water bottle. Getting kids in and out of prams. Getting everyone up, down, dressed, fed, bathed, settled, moved from one place to another. You’re not just doing TASKS; you’re constantly living inside transitions which are also exhausting. You don't have much opportunity for flow at this point. Life is pretty fragmented.
You are a deeply involved, loving mother with four young kids who are still at very high-need stages. And the hard part is that they can’t give much back yet in practical terms. Parenting older kids has its own challenges, of course, but Belle can wash dishes, do laundry, bathe herself, and be left alone (wants to be left alone!!!) for a while. With little kids, the needs are relentless.
I do think it gets easier, but I also know that there are years to endure before it feels easier, and that can be exhausting and demoralizing. I hate saying “the only way through is through,” because that sounds so unhelpful, but I think part of this really is that you’re in a brutally demanding season.
Maybe the question isn’t “How do I make all of this work perfectly?” but “What actually fills my tank enough to help me keep going?” If that’s exercise, then maybe it’s worth throwing money at that specific problem where possible — because your issue clearly isn’t motivation. It’s time, energy, and the fact that you are already carrying an enormous load.
Aww thanks Elisabeth as always for the most lovely reply <3.
DeleteI think "the only way through is through" is apt... I'm fairly sure the bear hunt in "we're going on a bear hunt" is just a hunt for peace and quiet... can't go over it... can't go under it... have to go through it.
One solution: move to NS and I know a few lovely teenage girls who would be excellent "mother's helpers." .
ReplyDeleteI think this is the most practical and immediately actionable response!
DeleteI can’t tell you how happy I am that you got so much time with Elisabeth, to have her as your neighbor for a while. What a special treat (and girls’ time is always precious!).
ReplyDeleteBesides that, I can absolutely relate to the fact that not having a big chunk of “unplanned” rest time is hard … you don’t rest in 5-10 minute blocks between responsibilities, but this is where life is at right now. I think it’s been good to get validated by time tracking because it’ll maybe also give you the opportunity to look at your schedule and pencil in some “planned” rest time.