Some more smartphone musings.

I got my first iPhone in 2011, and then I had various other smart devices until 2021.  I had an iPhone when my son was born in 2018 and my daughter in 2020 and I remember sometimes my screentime would be 8-10 hours a day.  I always said it was because I was feeding and watching TV and awake with a baby (which I certainly was) but I also know in retrospect I was trying to escape from feeding and being awake with a baby.  

My friend once commented that my shoulders must hurt because I'm always scrunched over my phone.  There were WhatsApp and Reddit groups for new moms so I felt like I was making connections and bonding with people. However, I don't look back at that time as particularly social or bonding.  I doubt many people think of the newborn stage as social or bonding, but I find it weird that my constant phone use kept me from realizing how isolating and exhausting (and special and life changing) that time was.

Maybe the distortion of the phone is a distortion of the experiencing self vs. the remembering self? Often times, we experience things far different than we remember them.  Most of my outdoor pursuits are experienced with pain and discomfort, and remembered with joy and excitement.  Somehow, smartphone use seems to reverse the trend. I experienced things with an entertained numbness and remembered them for the hard times they were.

What really sent me down this path was the Pandemic, when the world said "It's okay, just do it online!" and I thought "it's not okay, I don't want to do it online" and somehow no one was able to acknowledge that it was generally so much worse than before.  I didn't want to do Zooms.  I didn't want to have all day group chats.  I didn't want my two year old in front of a screen watching a librarian reading a book. I just wanted to be around people. 

Johan Hari argued in Stolen Focus that the Pandemic gave us a glimpse into the world that Silicon valley (ie smartphone app central) was moving us towards.  It happened very quickly and jarringly and hopefully many of us decided we don't like that world, that we value people and places and things that are real.  

However, Hari's book came out in 2021, and I feel we are already forgetting how much screen overuse sucked.  How much better real life is.  

For a while, when restaurants opened and people were out and about, I saw fewer phones.  I saw parks with parents playing with kids, and paying attention to them.  Parents chatting at the school gates. More and more I see parks filled with adults on phones.  Restaurants of children on ipads.  Parents waiting in their cars at school pickup, heads buried in phones.

When people were taken away from us we turned to digital.  

I sometimes wonder, if digital was taken away, would we all turn back to people? 

Abstainers vs. Moderators - some GR thoughts

Gretchen Rubin has just published her next book - Life in 5 Senses - and is on a publicity tour.  I've read a few GR books before, and she definitely has some interesting ideas and some thoughts which have helped me understand my own decision making better.  For instance, her clarification of a Satisficier vs. an Maximizer really resonated with me, and I decided to go down the satisficier path and never look back.  I've taken her personality test and I am fairly sure I'm a questioner... it's always interesting for me to remember that other people have different motivations for their own decision making processes.  

However, one of the stories GR seems to be retelling on this tour is her decision to cut out all sugar and carbs from her life.  Kae has a great post on this, and the comments are fascinating as well.  When I first heard GR tell this story it seemed really restrictive to me - I love lots of different foods, I love sugar but try not to eat too much of it, I love bread and pasta.  I also like going out to eat with people, I like eating lots of different kinds of food, and I like being generally unfussy when I'm invited over to someones house for dinner.  I like eating dinner family style, and eating the same foods as my kids (although with added flavour, and I do allow my foods to touch on my plan).

Cutting out an entire food group seems nearly impossible to me, and very extreme.

But then, somehow, I cut out smartphone, which may seem equally extreme to others.  I wonder if other people think "Well yes smart phones are not ideal but I like having internet when I'm out and about" the way I think about carbs?  I mean eating sugar is not ideal but I also like eating cake at birthday parties.

I also think there's a difference between "quitting smartphone" and "quitting sugar" in that I still have a device that does podcasts and photos and dulingo.  It just doesn't do it easily on the go.  It doesn't do communication, it does the features of smartphone without the smart.  

Maybe I'm equivalent to a person who quit sugar but still eats fake sugar?  I don't think my transition away from social media and whatsapp is as extreme as a transition away from whole food groups... but I might only think that because I'm the person who did the transition.  

Maybe GR would consider life without Instagram unnecessarily limiting, but life without carbs is fine?

Weekend plans, weather, food and some rambling.

This morning, amongst the cold air and threatening rain, I told Andy that this would be some ideal February weather.  I didn't move to Wales for the sun, but it feels like it has been raining or freezing or freezing rain since November.  Even the joke "how about this global warming" is not really a joke - I'm just cold.

Normally we try and only heat the house from October to March, but I'm still putting the heating on in the morning as the house is 59 degrees and I have decided we can heat it to 63.

This weekend we were excited to attend a friends camping birthday party.  It is a bit early season, but as long as it wasn't too cold or wet we were going to give camping a go.  We haven't been camping since the kids were born - we bought a big (for us) tent when I was pregnant with Isaac and intended to do a lot of camping in summer of 2020... but obviously that didn't happen.

Last weekend we (Andy) got the camping kit out, checked it all worked, and started packing and planning

The weather forecast was mixed, but we were still keen on Friday and aiming for a midday Saturday departure.

Unfortunately, Saturday started to look a lot worse, and on Saturday morning the forecast called for heavy rain.  I was still keen, but Andy was the voice of reason and said we probably shouldn't.  When it started raining later that evening, while we were eating dinner in our warm house, I was very thankful I wasn't trying to stay dry and warm outside.  

Of course, this left us with an empty weekend, so this morning we enjoyed the wholesome activity of feeding ducks at the local pond

I am going to a camping festival next weekend (Alone! WOW!) and I am so hoping that the weather changes before then.  This is tiring for April and will be exceptionally tiring in May:

Besides complaints about the weather we have a generally low key week planned with a generally low key meal plan:

Sunday: roast potatoes and ??? meat that I need to buy still

Monday: Slow cooker beef curry (Andy)

Tuesday: Pasta and roast Mediterranean veg (Rachel)

Wednesday: Jacket Potatoes and Beans (Rachel)

Thursday: Cheese sandwiches and soup (Andy)

Friday: Pizza (Andy)

Neither Andy or I feel particularly energetic for cooking at the moment, and I think it shows in our meal plan.  I'm half tempted to order some ready meals from Cook one of these days just to give us a break from food prep.  

I am also having a major Indian food craving but I am not good at cooking Indian.  My favourite is Masala Dosa, which I looked up how to cook and which I have zero ingredients for.  The kids wouldn't eat indian takeaway, but I am half tempted to just buy takeaway for Andy and me and feed the kids leftover spaghetti and meatballs.  It would save the effort of buying a meat for dinner.

Did your weekend plans go as planned?  Is there a food you love but don't/can't cook?

Trains and screens - a weirdly introspective journey

I found my train ride today to be more depressing than usual.  On the way out, there was a young (7? 8?) girl and her mum(?) clearly on a holiday/adventure.  Instantly after departure the mum was on her phone.  The daughter stared out the window a bit, then tried to ask the mum questions. The mum stayed mostly mute and didn't really engage.  Eventually she pulled out a series of ipads and tablets which she gave to the girl, and the girl stopped watching the birds and the trees and stared at the screen instead.

On my return, there was another kid (this is somewhat unusual because I am on a commuter train) who was about three, with her mum.  The mum plugged in her phone and started at it, while the child again tried to engage.  Eventually the child sat on her mum's lap and the mom played her videos on her phone.  

Next to her was a man, watching videos on his phone.

Behind him was a man, scrolling on his phone.

In front of me was a man, watching tik-tok.

I am not immune - I am tired after work and I just want to escape.  I didn't want to read.  I wanted distraction. I connected to the (slow) train wifi and read some blogs, then stopped because I knew the fact that everything around me was bothering me meant I needed some headspace of my own.  I started out the window a bit.  I tried to lean into the discomfort of wanting distraction.

Eventaully the train stopped, and I couldn't stare at nothing anymore.  I started listening to a podcast. I am not some emblem of perfect attention and satisfaction with my own thoughts.

I have not read Amusing Ourselves to Death by Neil Postman but I think of this line often.  Maybe its perfectly fine for everyone on a train to be buried in devices.  It doesn't look fine to me.  It looks obsessive.  It looks addictive.  

Remember dystopian future movies where ads jump off billboards and interact with characters? How invasive this concept seemed?  It turns out, we didn't need billboards. We pick up the ads and stare right at them, for hours.

I know, in the modern world, I'm not supposed to judge other parents, or other people.  I know I'm supposed to exist with compassion and understanding that everyone is doing the best they can.  But the thing is, I don't think we are doing the best we can.  I think if I asked someone "hey, why does your 5 year old have a tablet?  Is this in alignment with your highest principles and values?" they would probably say no.  They would also probably hit me. 

I wish I could take a snapshot of the train and share it with everyone.  Ask them all if this is what they want to do with their time.  

Children are amazing.  Humans are amazing.  For whatever reason, today I was sad watching the subdued amazing in a train full of screens.

And now for something different... Laundry.

This is a random one, but I was SO interested in this laundry post from NGS.  I thought I would write my own laundry summary.  I know, it's all parties on this mom-blog.

I used to do all the laundry.  And then one day I said I couldn't do it all anymore, and for about two weeks my husband did all the laundry, but he couldn't really manage it either, so eventually we agreed a split which I think is 70/30 me and he probably thinks is more 50/50.  Either way, it's working for us.

We do about a load a day of laundry a day.  We have two mucky kids, we both are into sports, and we seem to make a lot of laundry.  We have our washing machine in the kitchen, which is normal in the UK but completely against my American sensibilities.  Why couldn't I have a dishwasher in the kitchen and laundry somewhere else?  We dream of a utility room someday... but dreams are dreams.

I wash most things on 30 (which I guess is cool?) and my husband prefers a 40 wash.  Some things have become smaller since he took on laundry.  Unfortunately I am not one of those things, so there have been a few pieces sacrificed to the laundry gods.  The 40 wash takes 2 hours so I usually either do a 40 quick or a 30 regular, because I am not made of money.  With my smart meter I can tell that laundry costs about £1 a load, so I try for the quickest/cheapest cycle.  I usually put an extra rinse on a short cycle because in my mind that makes up for the 1 hour less of washing. 

We have two laundry baskets.  The big one is "things that can go in at 40" and the small one is "things that need to be 30 or things that need to be cold delicate" which means I mainly take charge of the small basket because how is he to know which of my things are delicate?  Also, there are things that can be washed at 40 which can also be washed at 30, but there are not many things that must be washed at 30 but can be washed at 40... so when I do a 30 wash I tend to scoop through the big bin to find more pieces which can go in at 30.

We also have a bag by the kitchen door which is for mucky kid clothes and things that need stain spray.  Usually this is whatever shirt the two year old was wearing when we had beans for dinner.  This stuff goes in at 30 or 40 but the stain spray is key.

We don't have a drier so everything hangs dry in our loft landing space, next to a fan, a window, and a dehumidifier.  When it's not raining (rare in Wales) we can use the drying line outside.  

(Fun fact: The red door in that photo leads to the coal storage attached to the garage.  We use it for gardening things now)

I love hanging laundry outside.  Someday I would like to get a drier.  In the UK many people have Washer-driers but I do not trust these things.  First: they take 5 hours.  Second: would you buy a fridge-oven?  Clearly not.  Why is a washer-drier any different?

We wash sheets once every 3-4 weeks in the winter, mostly due to indoor drying space.  We used to do it every two weeks when we had cleaners who changed the beds, but now our cleaners do not make up the beds and we are lazier than we thought.  Two weeks is the right amount for bedsheets.  I wish we had a better routine about this.  I would say that my husband is probably fine to sleep on the same sheets for 6 months at a time... but he might object to this assertion.  It's not an experiment I'm keen to run.

We wash towels and kitchen towels every two weeks, when the cleaner comes.  Same with the bath floor mats.  

We use cheap detergent and I started using fabric softener recently.  My husband doesn't trust fabric softener and I do think it probably wears down clothing faster BUT it smells nice and makes clothes soft.  Sometimes I add oxy-clean to the very dirty kid cloths.

We don't separate colors.  We do use small bags for delicates and sports clothes.  And we leave the washing machine door open after a wash to air it out.  Every 6 months or so I do a super hot wash with baking soda to clean the machine.  

About a month ago the handle of the washing machine broke. Andy did some engineering magic such that we can now use a spoon handle to open the door.  Apparently a new piece is £60, which seems insanely expensive.  At first I thought this meant it was time to get a new washer, but now I'm getting used to using a spoon:

Spoon stuck in the place the handle once existed

Communication and Constant Contact

Cal Newport's recent Deep Life podcast had the interesting (and somewhat sad) question "How do I convince my husband that the “deep life” isn’t an excuse to ignore me?"

This question got me thinking on communication strategies, and how "hyperactive hive mind" has become a somewhat defacto way of organizing daily life for couples and families.  I can completely understand how a wife would be annoyed that their husband blocks out "deep work" time and doesn't respond.  For so many reasons I think the whole concept of "deep work" is easier for men to attain than women.  Men's time has always been protected in a way women's hasn't (see all work by Eve Rodsky).

Cal Newport often gets accused of being a standard productivity-bro and not understanding how the situation is different for women - accusations which are not entirely unjustified.  However, his answer to the above question basically said "Partners need to agree on a definition of a deep life.  If you're not in agreement, then nothing will work."

This, to me, is very legit advice.

When Andy was on Whatsapp I used it for the general stream of chatter about my day, the kids, the garden.  Pictures of the kids or of things I saw.  If something was urgent, I would text or call.

When Andy left WhatsApp I was in the house one day and wanted to tell him about something weird the neighbors did (please keep in mind, this was when I was on maternity leave during Covid, so there was literally nothing to do and I was bored out of my skull).  When he got home he said "could you please only text me things that are important?"  At first it felt odd being out of communication with my husband for 8 hours a day.  

Now, I can't imagine what we spent all that time messaging about.  I know there is a modern philosophy that random texts throughout the day is supposed to be nice.  A sign your thinking about your partner.  However, what I think is nicer, personally, is that when Andy and I are together he is not getting/reading WhatsApps from groups and people.  When we spend time together, as a a family, we are only together.  There are no bleeps or blips.

There is so much commentary about phone usage rules, alerts, check-in times, etc.  Mostly pushed by the large tech companies and their lackeys.  My rules are simple.  My phone rings when I get calls.  It doesn't ever make any other noise.  

It's hard for me to remember sometimes that people use so many forms of communication equally.  How do you rate the importance of Instagram vs. WhatsApp vs. Text vs. Call vs.... Tik-Tok...? I don't know.  It's been an adjustment for Andy to realize that I don't get texts right away anymore - but I don't miss the sacrifice of constant availability in the name of not missing a potentially important text.  

It turned out, when it came to availability for constant communication, barely anything was as important as I thought it was.  We almost all survived the 90s... we almost all survived landlines.  When we moved to constant contact, we didn't give up "nothing" [landlines] in pursuit of "something better" [constant contact].  We gave up "something" [our own time? disconnection?] in pursuit of "something different" [constant contact].  

Kids and phones - some thoughts.

At some point, when Covid started to subside and parks began to fill up, I took Isaac to a park play and noticed almost every parent was on their phone.

There was a dude pushing a kid in a swing, while looking at his phone in his other hand.

There were two moms on park benches, texting on their phones.

There were teenage girls doing Tik-Tok (or whatever teenage girls do).

There was kid noise, and otherwise weird adult silence.

During Covid times I really missed people.  I like talking to people. I like community.  I like talking to parents at the park.  Life, for me, is vibrant when people are involved.

It looked like everyone else was getting their vibrant through their screens.

I only have young kids, but I have already been told "Oh, my ten year old just won't get off their phone/tablet!" or "I wish I could get my kids out to the park but they're just on screens all day".

If Isaac (4) or Lilah (2) get hands on a smartphone they will want to play with it.  It's amazing to me how little hands swipe so quickly.  They have seen me swipe through photos on the smart camera and they want to swipe through photos.  We don't let the kids have phones.  But we also don't let them watch us play on phones.  

I struggle to blame a ten year old for being on his phone when that's what he's seen the adults around him do.  I know that a ten year old is probably not doing a grocery app or headspace or responding to a work email... but I'm so painfully aware these little people are watching us.

Here's a diversion off topic. We always wear helmets when we ride bikes.  A friend of mine once told me he doesn't wear a helmet because he knows how to ride a bike, as he told his kids to put on their helmets.  A few years later, his kids were not wearing helmets.  I want to be a family of people who all wear helmets, I want my kids to wear helmets, I want them to see us wearing helmets, so we wear helmets.

I know the phones and kids thing gets harder when they get older, and everyone is navigating this as best they can, with the resources and time and knowledge they have.  But I'm hoping if we can keep using our basic phones, the kids will not feel persecuted when we say no to the smartphone (or chip, or google glass, or whatever the technology is in 10 years).  If we can get by without apps and mobile internet then they can get by without apps and mobile internet.

And even if they do feel persecuted by our luddite technology rules, I can take comfort in knowing parents are always lame and unreasonable, right?