Friendship Thoughts

I've been thinking a lot about friendship recently and figured I could jot my half formed thoughts here.  Some of this comes after listening to an interview with the author of Modern Friendship.

(These two are pretty good friends)

For being someone without WhatsApp and without group text and without facebook or instagram or social medias I feel I have a pretty good friend group.  But I also feel like I'm falling out of the loop with many of my friends.  I am aware already that my net is too wide... In a perfect world I have at least 20 local people who I would love to see more and continue to call friends.  Obviously I don't have room for 20 close friends.

I also know that having babies put you "back" a step into baby stage.  Having twins is even harder.  With one baby you can strap them on your back and follow your big kids around.  You can feed on the go.  You can throw nap schedules to the wind if needed.  I did this with Lilah, and it was fine, although with Covid it mostly meant I was waiting in line with her or freezing outside on a patio. [Not fun fact: Lilah did not go into another humans house until she was 6 months old.  Not because we were cautious, but because Wales had some of the strictest covid laws in the world.  We were legally banned from entering another person's home from March 2020 until sometime Summer 2021]

That was a tangent.  My point there was, I can't just join my friends with 5 year olds right now and plop a baby along.  I am embedded into baby schedules, because half my children are now infants.  That wasn't the original plan.  So while my friends are getting out and about, to museums and hour drive away adventures, I am still in the "hey do you want to play in my garden?" phase.

Playing in gardens is great. But most of my friends who finished the baby stage a few years ago are now over the "play in my garden" phase.

I know I need to be patient, the twins will be done feeding soon and I will be out and about again in a few months. Unfortunately, I always have the fear that everyone will find new friends while I'm being patient.  On the other hand, I've made some great new friends in the last few years, and those friends obviously had other friends, so my fear is probably unfounded.

One of the topics of the Modern Friendship book is that friendship bids (asking people to do stuff or be your friend) need a "why"

Not just "do you want to come over" but "do you want to bring your kids over for a Halloween craft day" or "do you want to meet me for a walk up a hill".

Little kids give an easy why "do you want to run your two year old around in my garden until nap time" is perfectly acceptable. 

A five year old parent is less interested in that bid.  Why make the trek to my house so a five year old can play with my son's trains? A five year old probably has their own trains.  A five year old can go to a theme park a few hours away.  A five year old can entertain themselves at home while mom gets some desperately needed alone/down time, or just gets some things done in the house.  

My Gym buddy Geraint - who I have seen for nearly 15 years almost weekly when not having babies or living in the US - is my friend because we both love fitness and we both live by our schedules.  It is a perfect combination.  We also have lots of other things in common, but if we didn't have the basic "we will make our calendars line up" and "we like going to the gym" then we may not have lasted.  We have both acknowledged this.  It doesn't make us bad friends, it makes us great friends.

Also, I know not being on Whatsapp makes my experience slightly different.  However I still don't think whatsapp filled a friendship void.  I think WhatsApp kept me from noticing a friendship void.  Do I want more texts? Not really.  Do I want to see people in person? Very much yes. 

Some thoughts about my current friendship state.

• I have a SAHM friend who comes for walks with me weekly and I need to tell her how much I appreciate these walks.  We struggle to get together often when I'm in work but maternity leave means this person plays such a HUGE role in my life
• I currently miss my writing buddy but I can't stay awake in the evenings now because baby sleep is terrible.  How can I get that friend back in my life not at 8pm?
• I miss my pilates buddy but I can't do a 10:30am class due to baby feeds.  Figure out a way to get them back in my life.
• I would love a scheduled get together with different friend groups every few months but I don't think other people work like that.  Could I make it work eventually?  Perhaps we (moms of 5 year olds) are all a bit *too* close to the baby stage to realise will probably drift without anchor events? 

Some Ideas:

• Make a list of little adventures and possible friends to go on these adventures.  Realise these adventures may not happen this summer.  But if a time opens up on a weekend I can be ready with a a social bid.
• Plan/consider the babies first birthday/pumpkin carving party, so I have a large event to look forward to and also reconnect with friends I haven't seen much since the twins were born.
• I still want to start a professional women's development book club.  Or potentially eventually a parenting book club.  Possibly when the twins are two years old

Note to self: Time moves so differently on Maternity leave.  I have 7 days a week of time to fill.  When in work I have 2 or 3 days a week to fill.  So even with the same number of play dates and social interactions as working people, I will feel like I am not seeing people due to the volume of time I have to feel.

I don't really have a takeaway here, expect that I'm probably doing pretty well for a person with so many children, and I probably need to be patient.  And, in writing that, it's really the takeaway for literally every part of my life right now. 

Do you think about you friendship groups a lot?  Do you wish you had more friends?  I would love to hear your thoughts on friendship too!  

It's "no phones" not "no doing nothing on your phone"

We've had increasing numbers of houseguests recently, which has been awesome because I love people visiting.  But it's also interesting to see other peoples routines and habits and how they fit into our house.

As previously mentioned, we mostly don't use phones/tablets/computers in our house, and especially not around the kids.  Of course I used a computer to write this blog, and I have an ipod (what I call my "Smart Camera") to take photos of the kids and listen to audiobooks, but we never scroll, we don't use social media, and we have a general "hands off the phone" lifestyle.  My husband is much better about this than me, but I am pretty low-internet as compared to mos.

We don't always tell our no phones in communal spaces rule to people before the visit, and I need to get better at explaining our house rules.

I don't ban scrolling or phone use when it's adults hanging out in the house, but I do find myself bored when I'm chatting with a guest and they get their phone out to look something up and then look something else up and then ??? I'm not sure what people do on their phones.

I've also realized that I think in normal groups, if one person starts playing on their phone then everyone starts playing, and it's not so glaringly uncomfortable.  When there are three people chatting and scrolling it's probably not weird.  When one person is scrolling and one person is waiting it just seems... odd.

I will definitely comment if someone gets a phone out during a meal.  I feel that "no phones at the dinner table" is a pretty understandable rule.

On occasions where I've had to ask someone to put their phone away - the dinner table or in front of the kids being two examples - whoever I ask usually gives the same answer.

"Oh I was just looking something up/checking the weather/checking my email/doing something"

The funny thing about this answer is that, of course they were.  Everyone is doing something on their phone.  No one is looking at it for no reason... or rather each person has their own reason to look.  and our rule isn't "no phones at the dinner table unless you need to look something up / check email / do something".  The rule is "no phones at the table".

I still need to get a sign that says "This is a no smoking no smart phone house.  Smoking can be done outside, and smartphones can be used upstairs".

On a completely different note:

This morning we had a grocery delivery this morning, and I painfully learned to check my online order, because there is a rather large difference between 0.5kg onions and 5kg of onions.

Now I own a lot of onions.

Recipe ideas anyone?

Screen Time and Kids - Is Personal Judgement Judgmental?

My writing club this evening turned into a life-catch-up club.  It was great, but poor N did not get too much writing done.

Of the myriad topics covered, much linked back to shame and parenting choices.  The question I'm currently musing is as follows:

We do not do screens for our kids - ipads or tablets or smartphones.  Sometimes other parents will suggest tablets for entertaining kids, usually in the context of "oh, that's a long car ride! Just get the tablet out" or "we mainly use tablets at [restaurants/errands/boring things]".   If I say "oh, we don't do screens" the other parent either thinks we're weird, or they feel the need to defend their actions... "Oh we don't use them much, but they're helpful for the [car/errands/dinner]".  

Is there an answer which isn't judgmental to the choices of others?  Or is the choice I've made to limit screens inherently judgmental of those who don't?  In my judgement, limiting screens is the best for my children.

I don't judge them for their values, but I don't judge their values as being best for my kids.

Is that just a semantic difference?

I am lucky as my kids are so young, and I know the stakes will change quickly as they get older.  

Perhaps I mostly avoid these awkward discussions by already being the weirdos in the smartphone free house.  Once people know we don't do Whatsapp or social texting they don't think it's odd that we don't give screens to our kids.  

I find it weird that the normal analogue childhood of 1990s is now, to some, an unnecessary effort bordering on extremist technophobe.  Was 1990s child rearing was so intolerable for parents that we must use screens now to avoid inflicting the same on ourselves?  Or am I the luddite who laments the arrival of printed books as destroying the memorised story?  

This photo is unrelated to my post, but I went for a lovely walk outside my house yesterday in an attempt to recover from my GWI (Generic winter Illness).  The walk cured me.   Being outside is about the best drug there is (for GWI).  Also, my 17c/62f degree house felt a lot warmer after being outside.

this weather is highly unusual here.  Normally we get 3 months of 50c/10f and rain. Not this:

Adventure Day 4: Trains, Planes, and Automobiles

We are home at last from our long adventure.  Biggest little is completely shattered and had a near meltdown before scoffing two soft tacos and falling asleep at 6:30pm.

Before I had kids I heard someone say that every day without kids was a holiday.  I didn't really understand it, but when I realized I wanted kids someday I tried to remind myself every day that my current life was a holiday.  I'm glad that I was aware then of the freedom I had, and I can now see what the person meant.

As a very small example,  I didn't get to read at all during any of our 8 hour journeys.  I mostly managed a small person's energy level, and then failed at it towards the end when we ate a bag of M&S Cheesy Puffs and he jumped on a train seat.

A holiday would be an 11 hour flight without kids.  What a decadent treat that would be.  I remember hating long flights in my life before... so boring.  Now? So quiet!

Besides this selfish thinking, the little loved the trip and even if we didn't experience every moment wonderfully I know we both will remember it wonderfully.  

Here's a timeline of our adventure today:

4:30 Isaac got up, but I tried to get little to go back to sleep.  I'm not sure how successful it was. 

6:30 Isaac turned on the light and said "Time to get up, I'm hungry" so we had breakfast 

7:30 Drive to the Train

8:16 First train was Carlisle to Edinburgh. I love Edinburgh and I want to go back.  I really want to go with husband for a two night trip but I'm not sure how feasible that is - maybe in February?? Time to call in all the childcare help...?

9:50 Tram from Edinburgh Haymarket to Edinburgh Airport.  The airpot was full of dreams, as expected.

12:00 Little was very excited to get on our orange plane:

1:45 Plane lands in Bristol!

2:10 Bus from Bristol Airport to Bristol Train Station

2:55: Train from Bristol Train Station to Cardiff Central

4:01: Train from Cardiff Central to Retirement Heights

4:15: lovely husband dips out of work to pick us up from the train station.  The train station is a 15 minute walk from our house, though at Isaac speed today we would have probably taken an hour to get home.

And now, I am home.  It's great to be home.  It's great to be away.  I wish my friend lived closer.  

Also, train was 100% better for getting to her house.  As a comparison, we left our house at 8am on Saturday and got to Friend at 2:30 after 2 trains. Total cost £80 and 6.5 hours

Today we left at 7:30, got in a 4:30, Total cost £170 for the flights and all train/tram/bus travel and 9 hours.

As promised - Old Roman Stuff:

Unexpected Excitement in Retirement Heights.

My mom arrived on Thursday for a 6 week stay - yay!  Having family around is great, but having family around that can watch children is the greatest.  We are excited for 6 weeks of having slightly more breathing space in our schedules.

On Friday she texted me "what is the number for 911 here"?  This is a highly disconcerting text.  I texted back "999" and then walked over to see what was happening (she stays in a flat around the corner from me).

My mom was standing outside a woman's house, clearly on the phone to 999, while an elderly woman with a walker yelled "help, help, help" from her window. "Call the ambulance I need help" she yelled.  She was in her mid 90s, I didn't know her at all except she has waved cheerfully from her window at me many times.

I told my mom there wasn't any reason to call 999 - where we live there are almost no ambulances or health service left, and certainly not for people who aren't dying.  

Unfortunately, this left the question, what did the woman need?  We kept telling her that it's OK, that we would help, and holding her hand through the window.  She kept yelling for help.  People kept walking by.  

One man slowed down a bit, to the point where it would have been socially unacceptable for him to keep walking, and asked if we were OK.  "Not really" I said "I don't know this lady and she's screaming for help and I'm not sure what to do".  He knocked on the neighbors door (good idea!) then told us that the neighbor had called the woman's son but that he really had to go.

The woman was upset when she saw him leaving.  "Please don't leave me, please don't leave" she kept saying.

I noticed her walker was jammed under her sofa, against the window she was half out out.  I helped maneuver it/her back, and then realized that she had gotten stuck against the window, yelling for help.  With her walker freed she opened the door of her house.

So we went inside, and told her to sit down.  My mom helped her go to the bathroom.  She must have been stuck against the window for some time.  I found the number for a dementia service that visited.  I found her phone but the mobile had no charge, and I couldn't figure out whether to just try and redial the last landline number she called, assuming it was probably family?

The dementia care number led me to someone who called the women's son again.  shortly after that the daughter in law arrived.  We went home. 

On reflection, this is why I want to know my neighbors better.  I know it's against the grain, but I think community is meant to be built locally.  No amount of digital connection could help that woman, when she needed help.  We all have such wide social circles we are cultivating on the internet, but how will those circles help us when we are 95 years old with our walkers stuck against our sofas?  

Friendship and Planning

I've been thinking about friendships and planning.  As a person who plans, I am very proactive about my social life.  If I like someone I want to see them.  This is only exacerbated by the fact that I don't have a smartphone, so I don't do long form texting, I don't do WhatsApp, and I don't do social media.  If I want to know what's going on in someone's life I make plans to see them in person.  

At the same time, if someone wants to know what's happening in my life they need to make plans with me, for all the aforementioned reasons.

I find myself making more plans than I'm invited to, and lopsided friendships have always been a fear of mine.  It's a teenage anxiety that still manifests when I realize I haven't heard from someone, and I want to see them, and also that I'm always the one arranging.  

In my twenties I had a "three times invite" rule - I can't actually remember whether the rule was that I would only ask someone to do something 3 times and if they said no then I wouldn't ask again, or whether I would only instigate events 3 times and if they didn't reciprocate I wouldn't ask again.  Either way, it was such a hard and fast rule that other people parroted it back to me.  Usually along the lines of "I know you have a rule of three but I'm so sorry please don't stop being my friend"

In fact, that line, which was said to me, is probably evidence enough that people like spending time with me.

So then I started to wonder whether the people I make plans with don't feel the drive as much as I do because their social needs are more satiated digitally.  Is that a bad thing?  Am I avoiding a party that everyone else is at, then wondering why no one hangs out with me?

I am also aware that the "busy years" are not necessarily people's prime friendship years.  Maybe everyone else with one or two children under five years old is just tired, and getting through, and not planning meetups.  Maybe my wholistic approach to my calendar means that I track better when I see people and how much time has passed between meetings.  

Maybe other people are happier at home, by themselves.  The pandemic has normalized a level of introversion like never before.  I am sure some people liked lockdown, but I like people.  I liked my life before.  I never felt other people were social obligations, I feel like other people are social opportunities. 

I have a good friend, who passed away far too young.  She was living a life that I aspired to live. Before she got sick she always had time for people, and when she got sick she had even more time.  "People, not things" became her ongoing mantra.  Happiness is in people.  At the end all we have is people.

So I continue to make plans, because people are all we have.  

Bus still, no matter how old I get, I may always worry that I have no friends.

The Biggest Little Turns 4

Biggest little turned 4 today.

In the morning we went to St. Fagans to look at old things and sheep.

We spent a lot of time following these two around on their rambles:

We went to the bakery and limited ourselves to bread and bara brith and later some cheese scones.

K and I stayed at the play park with Isaac while the boys took the girls home for their naps.  

Isaac took a nap too when we got back.  Everyone was up by 4 for a tea party and cake!

Cake instructions as per Isaac - "Triangle Dinosaur 4 layer rainbow chocolate cake".  Umm... nailed it?

Early evening was toys and presents and playing in the house.  Isaac was still up reading at 8:30pm... probably because he doesn't usually nap.  Poor visiting 18 month old has caught her first cold and is quite sad and tired.  We are all crossing our fingers for good sleep.

This holiday is the best.  Holiday at home is the best. Holiday with friends at home is the best.  

Tomorrow is swimming (hopefully! Pending sleep and cold!) and then girls brunch and shopping.  I am very excited.  

Happy birthday this dude.  He is the best

Swimming Sunday

My birthday was awesome, relaxing and food filled.

The day after was awesome too, I hung out in my house all day and then went for drinks and tapas in the evening.

Sunday I thought I should probably get back to exercising  but I realized how quickly the ennui can set in when activity stops.

Last week I did the following:
Monday: Weights
Tuesday: nothing
Wednesday: nothing
Thursday: Weights
Friday: nothing
Saturday: nothing

When Sunday rolled around I really didn't want to do anything.  In fact, I couldn't understand how I used to get psyched for exercise.  Everything seemed so hard and effort-ful.

My friends were headed down to the indoor climbing wall, and with little else to do besides putter and avoid exercise I decided to go.  I've not been climbing seriously for about a year so I faffed around top roping some 5 and 5+ and then led a 5+ and then climbed a 6a+ just to prove I could.  Then to a bit of bouldering and some silly strength exercises and I was done.

I've also not been out with the Cardiff Tri Swimming for a while and I decided to rejoin them tonight, for their 90 minute session.  15 minutes in I was tired.  30 minutes in my arms felt like they were falling off.  My 400s became 100s and since we were swimming in an olympic pool the laps were longer and the 100s were shorter, if that makes sense, which it doesn't.  After an hour I gave up and went home.  I don't think I finished my 100s, and I didn't get my 900 meter swim in at all, but I must have done at least a mile of swimming.

And now I'm so tired, and I like being this tired, and I'm looking forward to a weights session with Geraint tomorrow to whip me back into shape!

Oh and a massage - my birthday treat to me.  That's tomorrow as well.

It's been a good weekend!

Winter Walkies up Pen-Y-Fan

It's snowing in Wales!

This is exciting, because it never snows in South Wales.  Ever.  This is what I was told when I moved here 3 years ago.  Since then, it has snowed every year.

At first the snow is fun!  It is for making snow men and enjoying life!

Now the snow is annoying - it is for limiting outdoor activities and causing travel disruptions.

On Sunday, before the snow was annoying, we went for a hike up Pen-y-fan

Pen-y-fan is the tallest peak in south wales - almost 3,000 feet high.  Sometimes it looks like this:

When we got to the top, it looked like this:

I have a little pet project of headstands around the world, and I managed another:

Headstands in hiking boots are hard!

This week I'm away with work again, unlikely I'll get much gym time in (especially since I'm backdating this entry and know I won't gym for the first 2 days!) so it will be one of those fabeled "rest" periods.  Huzzah!

Happy New Year! 2012 review and some 2013 goals!

Happy new year!  2012 was a pretty awesome year!

I got to visit lots of places:

January - Israel

(With Andy) 

 May - Portugal

June - Holland/Belgium/France (cycle touring!)

(With Andy)

July - Morocco

(with my brother Zachary)

August - Rome!

(With Lois and Geraint)

I cycled loads, and acquired my first Road Bike!

I succeeded well in my resolution to buy less crap - I have mostly shopped in charity shops for work clothes and own a good selection of quailty outdoors gear from proper retailers

I've cooked more an eaten better - I learned to cook better asian food (another resolution)

It's been a pretty epic year, but 2013 is gearing up to be even better!  I've made a few resolutions, some fitness, some food, some quite specific.  

My first resolution (more of a goal!) is to learn how to do 10 push ups!!!

Right now I can do...

.... 1/2 a push up.  I can't get back up. 

Any tips for being better at pushups?  Girl pushups are lame and I can do those forever, I think I just need to keep trying for a pushup and eventually I'll... push up!

Happy 2013 y'all!

Merry Christmas! Dancing & Cleaning & Cardiff Park Run!

On Saturday I went out dancing with two of my favourite people in the world.  I took terrible photos like this:

And sang terrible songs by artists like Taylor Swift and Fall Out Boy.  It was an excellent night, and while I was not entirely drunk I was entirely awake until 4am and that effectively caused sunday to be a day of lounging and sleeping and eating.

Monday of Christmas eve we had a clean of the house.  I decided to see if we could move the oven as stuff had fallen behind it for the last 18 months of living here.  It turns out we can move the oven.  It turns out that we are disgusting people who don't clean under our oven for 18 months.

Mega Yuck!

After cleaning I made dinner, which I forgot to photo but which was delicious.  and then we watched Love Actually in the Clean living room, which looked so awesome I had to take a photo. And we ate my favorite desert, which is M&S Sticky toffee pudding with clotted cream ice cream.  MEGA YUM!

 On Christmas Day I woke up at 8am for Park Run, which was delightfully festive and only mildly wet! Much better than Saturday!

I forgot to take off my jacket before we started so ended up carrying it around the course.  I think I also missed the photographer, I never know whether to smile or frown or run faster or slower.  I don't photograph well while running, probably because my red face blends right in to my red hair.

My Time was 30:32, which was faster than Saturday (by 4 minutes haha) but not my best of 30:00. 

I think it's about time for some food posts, so stay tuned for my recap of a delicious meal at the new Fire Island Cardiff and the Established but unique I Cook Thai.