It was the blergest times, it was the blargest times.

Daria commented on my last post with "do you ever get mad" which made me laugh out loud.  Yes I do get mad.

I haven't posted in the last few days because now I am finally experiencing the standard winter "everything sucks".

Since getting back from holiday I feel exhausted, behind on everything, and generally joyless.  Kids have had some bad days and I have had moments where I wish the floor would swallow me alive and then at least I wouldn't have to be standing in IKEA while Aubrey screams on the floor and Clara runs to the exit.

This is partially my fault too... on the day after we got back Andy went for an all day bike ride (well, to 3pm).  The twins only napped an hour in that time.  The kids were generally fractious.  I think I used all the energy needed for the second week of school holidays in that 7 hour chunk of time and now I have nothing left.

That afternoon I took the big kids to a local toy store to spend their £30 gift cards.  It was super cute and fun but we were late and a bit rushed.  While there I saw another family of four, who I would guess were ranged in age from 12 to 7, possibly with twins as well.  They were having a nice time and the mom looked super calm and while it gave me hope it also made me want to just crawl in a hole and wait 5 years until maybe I won't be the chaos family.

I usually love the age of 2 because toddlers become little people with goals and they can sometimes be reasoned with and they get more independent and it's great.  but two two year olds is, like all double things, just a lot.  I feel like we are now getting to a point where I can do less than I could before... and I could barely do anything before.  I used to load them up and go to sainsburys, but last time Clara took down a rack of boots while Aubrey rearranged the pyjama display and the big kids asked for grapes and mango and then no one would get in the cart and it was just... impossible.

Sometimes I'm having impossible times and people offer me help (like getting me a twin trolly at the shop) and now I mostly find myself having the kid of impossible times where everyone steps away (like when Aubrey laid on the floor of the IKEA line and wouldn't move towards check out and instead everyone went around me so I was further in the back of the checkout queue than I started)

Another thing - and maybe this is all because of the awful IKEA trip (which Andy was there for as well, FYI, and it wasn't as scarring for him) is that I don't really get the chance to think about anything if I am out with the kids.  We bought Skadis Pegboards (I have dreamed of owning one of these for years!) and because I can't think I just grabbed a million accessories and then we ended up spending £200 at IKEA because I had no ability to think about what we needed or the price or anything.  This is why I do all my shopping online, but online shopping requires time, and I got up at 6am to try and order a lampshade and instead I wrote a blog and now I can hear a toddler awake.

And I will caveat that all of this is fine because I am literally complaining about buying pegboards and lots of people have real problems and real troubles that are not an inability to pick out a light fixture.

So yes, I do get mad.  Sometimes at the kids (we have family visiting this week and the big kids spent 20 minutes shouting at each other in the car in front of the guests and so I took away the presents the guests had gotten them and I am still mad about it).  Sometimes at the twins (why are they awake at 6:30???!) and often at everything at once because this wasn't really what I signed up for (not that anyone signs up for what parenting is).  

And yes, I'm relying on this post not existing when my kids are old enough to read.