Nursery and 'The Panic'

When my phone says "nursery" as an incoming call my heart drops.

I instantly hope they're telling me it's a curtesy call for a head injury.  Why do I feel a sense of relief knowing my kid has bumped his head?

I think it's a holdover from Covid.  Maybe it's my planner mentality, maybe it's just life, but I hated the part of my life where a ringing phone could mean 10-14 days of isolation and no nursery.  I know that's not part of life anymore, but my heart sinks every time the phone rings.  "She's got a high temperature" they usually say.  And I'm annoyed I have to pick them up, and I'm sad they're ill, and also I don't like the disruption.  But the instant panic is far worse than all of that.

Today, while on a work call, I could see Nursery was trying to reach me.  I sent a teams message to my husband, who came and got my phone, and I tried to focus on what he was saying, while also focusing on the meeting at hand.

That is impossible, FYI.

I didn't hear him leave the house.  Half an hour later, when the call was finished, I asked what the deal was.

"She's got a rash" he said.

He had answered the phone, and gone back to work.

I convinced myself she was dying of meningitis.

Even now, in my once month 2 hours of free time on a Friday afternoon, I want to go pick them up now and bring them home.  I stare anxiously at my phone.  All I want, most of the time, is a bit of time for me.  Now that I have it I just want a bit of time for them.

And somehow Andy doesn't have this reaction.  Maybe the concept of Deep Work and Focus Time is something that is so innate to men, and so foreign to mothers, that we don't start on the same capacity to begin with.  He's not less focused on the kids, or less concerned about their welfare, but a rash on the face does not beget a mental tornado of possible outcomes.  For him, the call about the rash was merely that, a notice that our child had a rash.  

He went back to work, and I anxiously half focused for the remainder of the day.

In other news, I'm not sure if letting a 2 year old dress herself is the best idea, when this is the outfit of choice:

It's my free time now.  2 hours for the following:

• Weekly Plan
• Catch up on emails
• Wrap presents for weekend parties
• Put together felt play board

I don't have a pound coin on me - perhaps a QR code and 15 minutes of fumbling with a smart phone can get me a cake instead?

On Wednesday there was a bake sale at work.  Tragically I forgot to grab a pound coin before going downstairs.  Luckily there was a QR code I could use, unfortunately I don't use a smart phone.

Standing next to the table were 10-15 people, smartphones in hand, adding an app or maybe a website, donating funds, clicking next.

I borrowed a pound coin from my colleague and bought an amazing salted brownie.

Someone asked me about not using a smart phone.  It's a bit of a conversation piece, I guess.  

On this day, it was the time aspect that I was considering.  I told her that I didn't feel like I had enough time to do what I wanted to do, and yet somehow, when I had my smart phone, I was spending 2-3 hours a day on it.

How did I not have time for things, if I had time to stare at a phone for 2-3 hours?

Maybe some of it was directions, and maybe some was background TV, but even so... 2-3 hours?

So I got rid of the phone.  I still don't have enough time for everything.  I have, in fact, the same hours I always had.  But now I try to think more about them. 

And I got my brownie much quicker than those using a QR code.

(This is not the brownie I ate, but I would also eat this brownie if I could)

Wednesday - to Bath and Back

 It's my fifth week of commuting to Bath.  I only go once a week.  It's a long commute - 2 hours door to door. 

Last week I realized I forgot to look up and appreciate how lucky I am to work in Bath.  

It's so pretty.  I get to take the train.  I get to read.  

I get free lunch provided by my company!

Today I was feeling sluggish at 4pm when I realized I could see the top of Bath Abby from my desk.

On the train I started reading The End of Absence.  It's good and sad and weird reading a book about the internet from 2014.  It's a reminder that the pace of change far outstrips anything we've experienced before as a society.  The author says that anyone born before 1985 is the straddle generation - anyone after had internet for too long.  I think that's accurate, even people 2 years younger than me had facebook for their entire college experience.  

While correlation does not mean causation, I am so certain that my increased anxiety and depression in my Junior year of college is linked directly with my college gaining early access to Facebook.

Even I have become too addicted to entertainment again, I love my podcasts and audiobooks.  I finished book 2 of the Expanse series today.  Another 22 hours of my life to James Corey.  

After book 1 I was going to stop listening.  The end of book 2 grantees I'm going to be listening to book 3.  The narrator is great, and the chapters are all about 20 minutes long, so even though it's 22 hours it's very easy listening.  Much easier than Thinking Fast and Slow, which was some dang hard listening (but also a great book).

I am looking forward to Working from Home tomorrow.  Much laundry to do, and slow cooker pinto bean chili for dinner.  Yum.

Tuesday Timetable

5:15: Woke up before my alarm.  I am working on trying to wake up at a certain time without an alarm.  I'm not sure if I am getting better at it, or if I am just frequently waking up and then eventually it's 5:30.  I'm always afraid if the alarm goes up the kids will wake up and that will be much harder than an extra 15-20 minutes of sleep

5:30-6:00: Coffee and reading.  I finished reading A Guide to the Good Life by William B. Irvine.  This took me a while as I started in August.  I found the first half quite compelling and the second a little less so.  I am really interested in the idea of a Philosophy of Life, but I'm not sure I like books which casually mention the Aberfan Disaster.

6:00-6:30: Got bike out to ride to Geraint's.  but it was raining.  So I drove instead

6:30-7:30: Standing breakfast date with Ger.  Good friends do breakfast dates, and he make the most wonderful Ham and Eggs on Toast.

7:30 Drive home and listening to Caliban's War (Expanse book 2).  I have 2 hours left and it's all kicking off in that universe.

7:45-8:30 Get kids dressed and happy, put away laundry

8:30-5:00: Work From Home.  Andy had the kids.  He took Isaac swimming, Andy's mum came over to watch Lilah.  They all went to the library in the afternoon and picked up my new books!

5:00-5:30: Kid time

5:30-6:00: Make/reheat dinner (leftover fish pie & broccoli)

6:00-6:30: Family dinner

6:30-7:00: Kid bedtime

7:00-7:30: Tidy kitchen and lounge

7:30-8:00: life admin and emails

8:00-8:30: blog!

Now I need to pack for work tomorrow and pick my next book.  I'm deciding between these two library books:

The Best Weekend - September 2022.

I am wondering, does knowing you're having the best time, with kids at the best age, make it better than experiencing the same thing without knowing it?

For example, I never pegged myself as a particularly good athlete, and then I read back a bit, and I actually was pretty good!  Not world record good, not even competitively good, but definitely good.

And now I find myself in parts of life that are just so enjoyable.  But this time, I am so very aware of how enjoyable they are.  Perhaps that's what (late) 30s is about?

Friday was beers and lasagne night, with a long and enjoyable FLOM (Family Logistics and Operational Meeting)

Saturday morning was off to Dirt Farm for their ladies day.  Oh my gosh was it a good day.  It was beautiful, the uplift was amazing and I GOT AIR which is great because I am a forever roller of things.

I met these two amazing ladies at the Bike Park Wales day a few weeks ago.  One of the bummers about having kids with your mountain biking buddy is that you loose your mountain biking buddy... and I didn't have other MTB buddies.  So, now I found some, and I am very happy for this

And then I headed home for pasta bake and kid time.  We had the inaugural fire pit fire.  The kids were very excited.

Sunday was kid day while Andy went to Cwmcarn for a ride with Dave and Ceri.  The kids were on top form.  They played by themselves.  Here's Isaac "keeping an eye on Lilah"

We also had some drawing time:

And finally, dinner was burgers outside next to the fire, because fire pits and family are the best:

I'm currently plodding my way to the end of the stoicism book.  Perhaps my new found appreciation for things is a bit correlated with that book?  I have some thoughts on it.  But that's for anther post, as it's 6:30 and I'm sure the pitter patter of thumping feet will sound soon.

It's been a while!

Hello Internet.

That was a 9 year hiatus.  

How does one restart a blog?

And why does a Thirtysomething year old blog in the same way that a twentysomething year old does?