Thursday Thoughts: Working Moms and Overheard at the Cafe

I heard two moms talking at a cafe.  They were both talking about their kids entering school nursery and how nice it was to get 2.5 hours a day to themselves now.  Their kids must have just turned three, and newly qualified for 2.5 hours of free school a day.  The one mom asked the other if she was thinking of going back to work

"Not really" said the mom "because I would still have to pay for wraparound, and it would be like £300 a week in childcare, so it doesn't really make sense".

I've thought about this a lot recently.  I live in a place where lots of moms don't work or work very part time.  Not in the LA "yummy mummy" way, but in the "it just makes sense for me to watch kids" way.

It's interesting to me that the decision to leave the job market seems often be a financial one.  However the decision to leave the job market when kids are young eventually keeps one out of the job market specifically because of the decision to leave.  Childcare costs make this decision more and more difficult - the most expensive childcare is for the youngest children.  

Childcare gets cheaper as they enter school, but if one has been out of the job market for 5 years then even cheaper childcare now can't keep up with the salary loss of a career gap and re-entering the market.

I am so glad I have stayed in work (which I obviously wanted to do as well, but I feel there is a lot of pressure against that decision here) because I can afford childcare.  I can afford childcare because I stayed in work.  When all my kids are in school I will be able to afford... other things.  

My husband and I make roughly the same salary now.  I have never heard him or his friends lament how so much of their salaries go to cover childcare.  I have never seen them calculate their take home after childcare.

I guess it's odd to me that there is financial pressure to leave the workforce when kids are small, because childcare is so expensive.

Then there is financial pressure to stay out of the job market when kids are a little bigger, because only lower salary jobs are available to returners.

Then there is financial pressure to get a job when... kids enter secondary school?  By the time getting a job makes sense, the monetary value of the kind of employment available is so low that it seems one may as well not work at all.

I wish I could more often express the sentiment that I am not *loving* the experience of childcare now, but I am *loving* continuing to develop professionally, not stagnativing my career, and making enough money to employ someone else. I love feeling like I am financially contributing to my family, and knowing that every pound we pay in childcare now will be a pound we can put into something else later.  

If I wasn't working, every pound I saved by not working would decrease in value over time - lack of earnings does not benefit from compound interest.  

There is no inflationary bonus on housework... there is just more housework.

[Obviously if you love staying at home with kids then great! Do that! But when people say "are you thinking about getting a job" I feel those people should answer "no, I love staying at home with kids and doing pick up and that's what I want to do" rather than "no it's not worth it financially".]

Sit at the table - some thoughts after one week of work.

My work has offered me a return to work online course and workbook.  The course includes some Ted Talks.  The most recent module I completed included Sheryl Sandberg's 2010 Ted Talk 

Her talk had 3 main points, which also form the core of her book Lean In:

1. Sit At The Table

2. Make Your Partner a Real Partner

3. Don't Leave Before You Leave

Last week I emailed the new director of the team I support and told her that I used to sit in on leadership meetings with the old director, and could she please invite me if these were still happening.  I know my maternity cover had not been invited to these meetings.  Part of me thought I should wait until I was more up to speed to reach out.  I worried that it was presumptuous for me to ask to attend leadership.  

But then I realized, why not ask? What's the worst that happens?

She said of course I could come, and that she would send me invites.  But she did not.

So I emailed her assistant, with a screenshot of the conversation, and asked to be invited. Very quickly I was added to the meeting, which was happening that day.

I logged into the meeting and thought I should do the teams thing where I keep my camera off... the hiding in the background form of teams attendance.  But I had *just* listened to this ted talk.  "Sit At The Table" I thought.  So I put on some lipstick (instant teams video improvement), turned my camera on and looked at the screen.  I nodded at the appropriate time.  I said hello to the people I hadn't seen since I went on maternity.

The team leaders, and the new director, saw me at this meeting.  I doubt anyone thought "why is Rachel here?" I imagine they thought "I'm glad Rachel is back"

One of my goals for the next year is to sit at the table.  I want to be in meetings where important things happen.  I want to be a part of decisions. I want people to think "this is important, this is complicated, Rachel should be here".

I have reached out to a woman in our parents network, who has 3 kids and is a grade above me.  I had a chat with the woman who got the job I applied for last year, to find out more about how it's going.  I have requested a call with the director I support.  I'm planning on getting a coffee with the director I used to support when I'm next in the office.  I have so many avenues I want to explore, not for "networking" but because I am actually so curious.  How has everyone else's year been?  What is the D&I team doing to encourage women, and recent mothers, into leadership? How are the company values being continually shared and implemented?  I want to have a million conversations about all of it.

I knew I would be excited to be back in work, but I was worried I would feel conflicted.  There is so much talk about work-life balance.  If I wanted balance, I would spend the next 10 months in work 24/7.  I don't want that, but I definitely feel like being in work right now *is* balance.  Wanting to drive a career forward at the exact time that I return from my last maternity leave *is* balance.  I haven't been driving that hard over the last 6 years of baby-having.  I don't have to feel bad for wanting to progress now.

I don't have to feel bad for sitting at the table.

5 things on a Friday

 1 - We are off Glamping this weekend!  Very excited.  We are staying in a Yurt on a small farm, booked through AirBnB.  We don't have to bring towels or bedding or camping stoves.  Yay.  I hope the kids enjoy it and get to free range a bit... our last camping adventure was fairly cramped with other campers so we couldn't let the kids explore as much as I wanted.  This place has 3 Yurts and composting toilets.  We are finally at the age where I can bring kid crafts and toys and maybe even get some time to read.  Also, this looks like good Glamping weather:

2 - Our dishwasher broke!  Literally one month after purchase.  The repair/replace people are coming on Tuesday, so I'm extra glad we are away this weekend (although we will have to do dishes while camping).  Thankfully it's under warrenty, and double thankfully Andy took care of all of it (he's in charge of appliances).  But OMG I don't like hand washing dishes and especially when my giant baby-stomach precludes me from standing too close

3 - I've been thinking more about the Job/No Job and I think it's an interesting case of "Here's a vague job description - you tell us what we specifically want".  The company I work for is the largest company I've ever been at, and I think this situation is reminding me that I really love some aspects of working for 100-200 people companies more than 3,000+ people.  I need to start crafting a "dream job" list at some point, the job I currently have is very close but I do think it can be better.  The great thing about moving jobs and getting new jobs is it helps me realize what I like and want.   I really love how Birchwood Pie looks at jobs and want to emulate their strategies.

4 - I just booked a reflexology session! I haven't had one in about a year and I absolutely love my reflexologist but she is a bit pricey.  However I'm hoping she can help with some of the baby-induced circulation issues I'm having (varicose veins, yuck).  I remember last time I saw her was the day I put in notice at my last job and I knew I wouldn't go for a while because I was a bit nervous about money in the new job (it was definitely a lateral move).  I'm less worried about money right now (at least until I start Maternity Leave).  It's nice to realize how much more settled I am now than a year ago. 

5 - Isaac has exactly 5 days of nursery left.  We just got his first bill for school wraparound and it was £220 for a month.  (4 days a week of 9-5 cover, Andy has Fridays off work).  So much better than the £500 we were paying for 3 days a week of nursery!  Or the £900 we pay for 3 days a week for Lilah.  These are the expensive years but I don't regret it... I am much happier being a working mom than a stay at home mom and I am very hopeful that at the end of this expensive time I will be at a far better salary bracket than if I had taken 5 years off to raise kids.  Also, I hopefully won't be insane, which I would be if I took 5 years off to raise kids.

Have you ever had reflexology? Do you want to come holiday in Wales now that you know it's 70 degrees in August?

Weekend plans: house & work updates

We don't have many plans for the weekend so far, which sometimes bodes well and sometimes can be disaster.  

Hopefully we can get all the IKEA built - especially the dresser/changing table for the nursery room.  Once this is built we can start to unpack all of the baby stuff and figure out if we need anything else

(Fun Fact: although I am a firm believer in "babies don't need things" and I knew that twins are allowed to share a cot until they can roll, I only realized recently that babies can't share a bedside cot.  So... we are hopefully borrowing a bedside cot from a friend our ours.  Our room almost certainly doesn't have room for two bedside cots... so that's going to be a squeeze to figure out later)

Then we have our new dining table to assemble, but I am also not super excited for this assembly because once done our house will have two dining tables and 12 chairs until the charity donation people come on Wednesday.  I recently started donating furniture to charity rather than selling it because I decided I don't do enough charity donations and so even if I could make £50 or £100 for selling something maybe donating it can be a replacement for the £50 or £100 I don't give to charity?

On Monday I'm going to London to interview for a new role in my current company, which would be a promotion from where I am (a fairly big one) but is also very daunting because I am so obviously 5 months pregnant (actually I look more pregnant, because twins).  I have been trying to play it cool with this interview but I need to work on a powerpoint and practice what I am going to say and the points I want to address.  So, I need some focus time this weekend to work on that.

I also need to figure out how to address my obvious pregnancy.  

I'm hoping this interview will be a good experience for me because even if I don't get the job it means I'm pushing myself and being told no.  I've always had it as a point of pride that I'm always offered a job once I make it to interview stage - but maybe that's because I'm not pushing myself enough and applying for things that are at my level?  

Isaac has a birthday party this weekend and Andy is running a race on Sunday.

That's about all the weekend plans.  I don't think this is exactly Laura Vanderkam approved (is making a powerpoint a big adventure?) but hopefully I will feel a lot less stressed after job interview and furniture collection next week.

Time // Time Management // Focus

Tomorrow I'm giving a short presentation at work about time.  It's taken from another presentation I did at my last job on the similar topic, which covered info from Laura Vanderkam, Oliver Burkman, Daniel Kahneman, David Allen, Cal Newport and others in that sort of "writing about time" sphere.

Last time I talked a lot more about phones and family but this time it's mostly about time - how we perceive our time, and how we feel about our work time.  It's going to be a two part series, this first piece is on Time and the second piece will be on task management systems.  I realized I couldn't really talk about why task management systems are important without taking a bit about why time is important.

It's been a really good experience reminding myself things that I know but forget.  I talk about the Eisenhower Matrix and how it's easier to do the non important but urgent tasks than to do the important but non urgent things.  

I have gotten far to reactive in my day to day and have not been time block planning or even properly scheduling my work.  I've also started to get way more bogged down in teams, and I don't feel I have a good sense of what I need to accomplish in any day, which means I don't feel as focused during the day and then don't feel good about my work day when it's done.

So, I'm working on my task system again, and on both focusing and taking breaks.  I'm also working on scheduling what I need to do in a day and being realistic in how long it will take me.  I've added all my important but non-urgent tasks to my task planner and will tackle them on Friday, which is generally the slowest day in work.

I think part of the pressure is that I've moved from a 9 day fortnight (4 days then 5 days a week) to 4 days a week for July and August.  I don't work on Tuesdays - which is nice for hanging out with the kids but makes my weeks feel so odd.  I generally feel a bit stressed on Monday, then have Tuesday off, and then Wednesday feels like an insurmountable workload.  I'm hoping that this will slow down, but I definitely think if I stick with a 4 day workweek after maternity leave I'll want to have Fridays off.  Tuesdays are just... Awkward.

14 minute Monday - Work Task Management Systems

I've started using a task management "system" at work and finding it helpful.  It's based on this Cal Newport Podcast  and is an interesting experiment for me.  My current work has a larger barrage of incoming small tasks than I'm used to, and I found I was forgetting/missing things more than usual.  I usually use email as a sort of task management system, but email's big failing is the followup: if I ask someone to do something, I don't really have any reminder set for myself to check they have done it, or replied.  Same with teams - it can all get lost in the ether of chat.

I've started recording all my incoming "tasks" onto a Trello board - in the following categories:

• Ready to action
• Scheduled to action
• Waiting for reply
• Complete

I don't always need to move everything through the system - sometimes I do just reply to emails - but this morning I added a new column called "Today's Top Priorities" as I noticed some of the less important "ready to action" bits had been sitting there for a while.

Weirdly, the less important bits were all bitty emails that old me would have sorted right away.  Which shows how email really isn't a task management system.

What I'm trying to avoid is reaching the end of the day with my head feeling like a whirling string of email and teams messages.  I don't know how everyone else puts up with it.  I see their screens in constant blips of incoming messages.  How does anyone focus?

I'm reading "drop the ball" and really enjoying it.  Dufu had a great argument on comparative advantage - that you shouldn't do something you're good at just because you're good at it.  You should do whatever brings the highest value to you / your company.  For me, I am really really good at churning out a lot of work.  But that's not what I'm best at, and I don't think that brings the company the most value.

As an parallel, I can type 120 words per minute with 80% accuracy or 90 words per minute with 99% accuracy.  My job is not typing fast. This ratio is probably true for more than just typing - what can I do better than other people?  What's my highest contribution?

Have you read Drop the Ball?  How do you sort your professional tasks?

Live from... a train!

 I am currently on a Train!

I had to go to Edinburgh for work, and decided it would be fun to stop in London on the way.  This morning I caught the 7:23 train from Cardiff to London, spent a day working in the London office, and then boarded a 5pm train to Edinburgh.

The train is an enjoyable 4.5 hours.  I bought myself sushi, which I immediately devoured.  London has many passable sushi-to-go chains.  I wish we had those in Cardiff.

I sort of wish I had downloaded a movie or something - 4.5 hours of train solitude is a lot!  I could do anything... I could do work.  I could work on some strategic work stuff that I seem to always be putting off.  I could listen to an audiobook, I could read.

This feels like a mini 4.5 hour holiday.

When I boarded the train they announced the food service was closed because the card machine was running updates and they can't take cash.  At one point the helpful man said "it's at 38% and it needs to get to 100% so it will be a while."

I love overhearing conversations on the train, and this morning I listened to a conversation that could be mine. It was all about defining objectives, strategizing, reports, authorities matrix, operational efficiency.  Sometimes I wonder if everything I do is made up.  

If what I do is made up then other people who have made it further than me (i.e. the illusive C suite) must be doubly or triply made up.  

What skills does a CEO have that a really good PA doesn't?  Strategic thinking?  Or really good report writing? 

Ability to synthesize lots of data?  There's nothing that has more data than a human, and a very good PA needs to understand all of the human they support.

Why isn't there a career track from PA to CEO?  Weirdly, PAs are much closer to the decision makers and see more than the people three steps behind the CEO, but the PA will probably never be CEO, and those three steps behind the CEO on that weird ladder scramble to know what the PA does.

Edinburgh in 3.5  hours.  I probably should work on my "strategic objectives".  The CEO would probably work on strategic objectives. But also, everyone 3 steps behind the CEO might be working on strategic objectives.  

Maybe I don't want to get started because it feels like we all have too many strategic objectives?

London and career building during the "busy years"

I have been to London a lot.  I am very lucky.

London is so big and full and busy.  What often gets me is the number of people and where they are - they are everywhere! There are people living above shops and across from offices.  There are people living in big houses and in tiny bedsits. There are restaurants next to restaurants next to restaurants.

I am really enjoying my office visit and excited about my hybrid working arrangement.  I'll be hopefully traveling once a month for work, and then spending the rest of the time with the flexibility to enjoy my family and home life the way I want to.

During the pandemic I often felt there was a negative shift in the parenting balancing act, where we told parents that it's okay to work from home, so it's okay to ignore your kids, park them in front of the TV, and work.  In my last role I almost cried when a call with the MD ended with him turning his laptop to show me his ill seven year old, laying on the sofa next to him, starting at a tablet.  

I still fundamentally believe children need parents to be present, both physically and mentally, and I detest the transition to "pick up the sick kid and get back to work".  But also wonder if the remote/hybrid transition is possibly allowing more women to stay in the workforce now... that maybe the glass ceiling of non-office-presence when having a family is becoming a... cellophane ceiling?  

I'm not convinced myself - I know there are huge numbers of women forced out of the workforce for childcare responsibilities during the pandemic.  But maybe now that the dust starts to settle, the idea of hybrid might allow the bit of flexibility in daily scheduling that sometimes precluded mothers from perusing careers in the past?

I'll have to wait and see.

Wednesday: Musings on the new normal of hybrid, and some photos of pumpkins.

Like many people, I did the pandemic job hunt and started a new role in august 2022.  The office is 2 hours from my house, but I only go once a week. The weird thing about starting a job 2 hours away, but which is 80% remote, is that a decision to go into the office is a decision to not be home for 13 hours in a row.  When I worked in an office I never chose between seeing my family and going to the office.  I went to the office (early and tired) and left at exactly 4:30 (early and tired) and saw my family (while being tired) and rather stressfully "balanced" both.  

In this new set up, overall I get a lot more quality time with the family. I always pick the kids up by 5:15, and many days I drop them off at 8:15 and still start work on time.   I can cook better dinners by prepping over my lunch break.  I can get menial house-life things done during the work day, like vacuuming or laundry.

Sometimes I find myself resisting my long office day.  It is far, and expensive, and I do spend a lot of it on teams anyways.  But when I go to the office... it's usually good.  It's good to get out of my house.  It's good to remember how to talk to colleagues and to meet new people.  Today I got a drink with a colleague after work.  It's hard to meet new people socially in a remote setting.  

I've realized I need to be a lot more intentional about my different days.  I need to set up in-person meetings during my office days.  I need to try and plan a post work social drink, if I can.  I need make sure my office days flow and feel very differently than my home days.  Office days are not a worse version of home days - office days should be a completely different part of my role.  

Tomorrow, a home day, is a day for planning and prioritizing my work for the remainder of the year.  

In non work news, here are three things that bring me joy today:

Our table, set by the kids, for a dollies picnic.  The kids have never set the table before, but apparently know how, and dollies enjoyed their tea party.  "Dollies drink air" Isaac told me, because I would not put water in any of the cups.

Lilah and Isaac did some exploring with flashlights.  Kids love flashlights.  Kids love tupperware.

My pumpkin collection is on point and I love looking at all of them and thinking about what I will make with all of them. And then I love eating all of them.  I love pumpkins.

Friday Thoughts

1. Wow  - thank you so much to everyone for your interesting thoughts on my post yesterday.  I am so interested in how other people experience the internet and it was fascinating to hear from so many different people.  I restarted this blog in part to think/write about how modern smartphone technology (and specifically the internet in our hand) might be experienced differently by men and women and I really appreciate the feedback on that post.  Thank you!

2. This week did not go as planned.  My littlest was off nursery and so I was off work over a pretty important few days of meetings. My husband and I do a lot of planning and logistics so this doesn't happen, and yet something was lost in the communication of the importance of this week for me. Because he was not physically present (he was 2 hours away) I ended up doing all the sick kid childcare and missing all the work.  He's off today so I'm back in work, but having the usual catastrophic thoughts that it may well be impossible for two parents to have careers (in the Wales) while the kids are so little and without family or friends around for support.

3.  Maybe the fact that I don't personally know any professional women with small children means it's actually impossible here. Maybe reading blogs and books about professional women with small children is akin to reading about professional sports players when one is an amateur athlete.  Just because professional women exist somewhere else doesn't mean that's an option open to me.  Again, I don't think I would be having these thoughts if I wasn't in Wales, and I also don't think I would have these thoughts if I wasn't originally not from Wales.  Culture is tricky.

3. On the positive - I really enjoyed my time with the kids for the last two days. Two and Four year olds are fun. We did a lot of fun things, like playing “time to sleep” and baking and the littlest entertained herself while I did dishes and made dinner. If only I could find a rewarding, interesting, mentally challenging, and high paying job for 3 days a week…

4. We made Nadiya Hussain's Peanut butter and Jelly tray bake yesterday for breakfast.  It was delicious!  We need to improve 30 minute meal rotations for dinner, we seem to eat pasta and potatoes a lot. 

What are your favorite quick dinner recipes? 

The Next Thing // Looking Forward

I'm a bit obsessed with the next thing.  I was so looking forward to starting my 90% time role, and taking alternate tuesdays off, and being in work more.  I do enjoy it, but now I'm already thinking about the next thing, 80% time, being in work less.

I fantasize a bit about what my days will look like when Isaac is in school.  I have nursery now at 4 days a week, but what will 5 days of school be like? Could he do 5 days of school now? Is there another school or nursery that would be better?

I look foward to transitions, but that means I'm always looking for the next transition.

I am really enjoying the 90% time, but I miss having more time with the kids.  I don't regret working as much as I did when the kids were super little.  They're still so little but now they're fun little.  Four is great.  Two is great.  Two plus Four is awesome.

The biggest benefit to the 90% time is that Andy and I both have the same amount of time off with the kids each week.  The balance is more important to me than the actual amount.

Regardless of 90% time or 80% time or 100% time, I'm still looking forward to a future where 25% of our take home pay isn't being spent on nursery fees.

To London and Back Again

This week was a work trip to London.  I departed at 6:15am on Tuesday and found myself at an awful pub at 12:30am on Wednesday.

It's been a long time since I've had a night out.  How long?  I honestly don't know.

Perhaps it was the night of accidental many beers at Dave's, circa fall 2017?

I had a drink or two on my birthday in January 2018.  And then Isaac was born in October 2018, and I don't think I've done a "night out" since then.

I don't think I've missed it much either.  Nothing good happens after midnight.  

I did enjoy sleeping in a hotel.  I enjoyed walking 2 miles from Tottenham court road to Paddington station in the morning.  I enjoyed my salmon sandwich on the train and my Coffee Lab coffee on the walk back to my house.

I enjoy my quiet life.  London is big and busy and exciting.  But like a typical mom I spent the evening thinking of how much fun Isaac will have visiting London someday.

I booked train tickets for Isaac and I to travel up north and visit Abi.  It's a 6 hour train ride.  I can't wait to go on my first big adventure with him.

I kept thinking how much Isaac would love the hotel as well.

Now I have one more day at work and then I have a day off on Friday!

Tuesday Things

Today is my fortnightly non-working day.  90% time is great, 4 day weeks are short and 5 day weeks are long and one of each is ideal.

Church play group this morning, then Isaac's last swim lesson.  He's 4 soon and can go in the big kid lessons.  Also, "big kid" lessons are parent free and I don't have to get in the pool which will be a big plus.

Last night I met a friend for dinner in town on my way home from Bath.  Great to see her, great to add an adult dinner in without missing kid bedtime (because it was already missed on my commute). And great to eat Wahaca because the UK is basically devoid of Mexican food (for understandable reasons):

I thought I was being a time ninja, combining a commute day with a social dinner, but then I got home at 10:30, chatted with Andy till 11:15, felt really awake and invigorated from my day/evening, and didn't get to sleep until 11:30pm.

As usual, the littlest was up at 5:50am, and now I am very very tired.

Tuesday Goals:

• Get Through The Day
• Be Nice
• Get to bed by 9pm
• Make Tacos

I'm not sure whether late night Monday is a good idea.  Maybe late night* Wednesday will be a better idea.  It was good going into the office on a Monday, it had the "first day back after the weekend" buzz.  Wednesday is "Anchor Day" but everyone is quite anchored to their desks/workload by Wednesday.  It was nice to meet some new people and have some short casual chats.

*Late night = in bed after 10pm