Currently posting during afternoon baby nap. We have had some HARD times with babies recently. The babies have been generally unhappy, which has made me generally unhappy. Or potentially unhinged. It doesn't look so bad in time log format, but it has certainly *felt* bad.
A few weeks ago I decided to make a list of pros and cons of having twins. The cons side said "everything" and the pros side said "good if you wanted more children in fewer pregnancies"
[I'm going to assume this internet will be gone and disappeared before the twins ever read this blog.]
It's just sometimes too many babies. I also think that there is no way to *not* live close to the margin with this number of small kids. I am mostly fine, but a few nights of <5 hours sleep sets me back and there's not really time to recover. Morning naps that last 90 minutes and screaming wake ups are more than twice as hard with twice the babies.
So anyways, before I ramble about other things, I want to acknowledge that it's not all super-mom "twins are great!" over here.
With that in mind, some things *are* great.
- Our nanny did a settling in day with the twins and Lilah on Monday and she seems like a great fit for our family.
- I signed up for Peleton app (the classes, not the bike) and I *Love* it. I might be over-loving it. I want to sneak upstairs and do a class All The Time. I want to look at the app and pick out future classes (I don't actually do this, because I still try not to use phone for stupid things, and this is definitely a stupid thing). I don't know how long this will last, but doing exercise is great
- I've been using said app to do 20 minutes of yoga and a 10 minute meditation every evening for the last week and I really look forward to it.
- I have been working out with my gym buddy once a week for over a month now
- My physio said that I am recovering well from having twins and I currently have a 1.5 finger diastases (gap in stomach muscles from where babies grew. Bodies are crazy). I had no diastases at 7 months with my single babies so I was worried but apparently this is normal (FYI I am not a skinny human and when I do a plank I definitely still have substantial twin tummy so the diastases is not an indicator of physical look.)
- I think one of the reasons the last month was so hard (in addition to grumpy teething babies) is that help is on the way. We found a babysitter to come in the day for a few hours and watch the twins, and the nanny starts in August. Perhaps I just didn't have the energy to make it to the finish line of 100% twins 82% of the time (actually it's just 54% of my time, or 82% of my waking time)
- Our babysitter came on Tuesday so I could go get a blood test and then I cycled to a local beauty spot and did a 22 minute run. It was supposed to be a 30 minute run but I ran out of energy. It was still nice to know I wasn't on twin duty for 4 hours.
- The sun is out. It's meant to stay out. It's been so cold - we actually turned on the fire last week because we were so cold and wet.
I think like everything with kids, one difficult phase gets replaced with another. I guess the twins are becoming more active and need more /different type of attention than before which brings new challenges. I think you had a post on this a while ago about twin mummys going back to the baby stage - it’s so bittersweet because you want to enjoy every stage when they’re babies but it’s hard to, because it feels relentless.
ReplyDeleteI think you’re doing great!
Aww thank you! And yes, Andy and I do use the word "relentless" a lot. But there are some really good things - like how much the babies like the big kids now. I am not always having to pay 100% attention to babies in the afternoon if they big kids are around to play with them.
DeleteThanks for the kind words!
I am amazed at your physical activity. Seriously - this is so impressive given the MONTHS of sleep deprivation and then the intensity of your waking hours.
ReplyDeleteI have never had twins and have only had two children (to your four), but those early years were so incredibly intense for me. You have that experience on steroids.
Hang in there, and I hope the relief of having some extra childcare starts to slowly ease the day-to-day burden a bit. More than anything, though, I hope their sleep and moods improve!!!!
More generally, I so relate to this: "I think I *expected* things to be easier by now. And when they're actually harder (teething babies, not sleeping babies, relentless rain) I sometime just can't keep feeling good about stuff." While I'm past the baby stage, I think this challenge with expectations is so very real and hard in many aspects of life. I really struggle with this - when I THINK something will bring relief or something will make someone else happy (and then it doesn't)...etcetera...it feels doubly hard?!
Hugs <3
Thank you Elisabeth! I read recently that you had your kids when you were in your early 20s? and they are so close together too... that seems so so hard. Everything in my life was intense in my early 20s so I cannot imagine experiencing something *actually* intense (like kids!) during that time. You are amazing.
DeleteIt's funny how the expectation can make things so much worse... but that it takes hindsight to realise this! This is definitely not the first time I've felt this way and certainly not the last.
I use the Peloton app and like the workouts because I can pick different options for how much time (or motivation) I have on a given day, which is super helpful for how chaotic life can be. It can definitely be hard when things feel harder than you thought - or when hope / help is around the corner but not quite arrived. Sometimes, I think just saying "this is hard right now" and letting it be what it is can feel better than making myself feel guilty about being bothered about why things are hard. (If that makes any sense!)
ReplyDeleteI'm glad you find the Peleton app useful too! I really hope to someday do a longer workout but right now if I can do 20 or 30 minutes that's great. And I love the option to add 5 minutes onto something on the end.
DeleteDefinitely agree with the "this is hard right now" - I think I was expecting things to be easier so much that suddenly the realisation that it was actually *harder* made it worse. If I had just paid attention to it getting harder and accepted it I may have had an easier time.
Aww, thanks for the shoutout... it makes me sound like I am a Peloton rep, haha, which I secretly am (when are they going to pay me for the free advertisement, do you think?)... I am glad you're enjoying the app. You'll probably not be surprised to hear that I could also spend a huge amount of time just being on the app and picking out future classes LOL
ReplyDeleteRe: the twin situation, I can only imagine how hard it is to have two babies and then a total of four kids under 5... I hope it might be a consolation to you if I tell you that my mom doesn't seem to remember the "hard phases" with me and my sister when we were little, she keeps talking about how great it was to have two babies that were the same age... so I hope with some (time) distance, you'll look back at it the same way :) I am glad you're having a babysitter to help out though and that you're getting some "Rachel time". So important!
I did not realize Peleton had so much till I saw your strava feed! I know this makes me a bit stalker-y but please find me on Peleton (RachelinWales) because I would love to do some of the classes you've posted on your weekly rundown but I haven't gotten great at navigating the interface yet.
DeleteI am sure I will remember a lot of this fondly too. I sometimes Imagine life with 12 year old twins, 15 year old girl and 17 year old boy and I am sure I'll look back on this time with joy compared to all the teenagers!
Things have been hard here too, and I totally agree that it seems to feel harder because I thought it would linearly get easier. But every night we go back and forth between kids to finally get them asleep by 9 (thanks teething, colds, and toddler shenanigans) and then try to cram any admin into the waning moments of the day and get to sleep at a reasonable time because usually one kid is up by 6. Only 2 kids and it's so hard! - Kat
ReplyDelete