The other week I was getting a pedicure across from a lovely older lady. She and I were chatting about life and kids and living in Wales when her partner walked in and started talking loudly to the room (Me, her, the two ladies doing our nails). He was telling us his theories about Trump and explaining geopolitics. At one point I said something and he said "now let me explain this to you" which was especially annoying because he was explaining what it was like in america right now (as a 85 year old british pensioner I'm not sure why he felt the need to explain this to me).
The sad thing about this is that at no point did I (or anyone) say "Hey dude, we were all chatting and bonding and you walked in and started telling us stuff and we weren't just sitting here waiting for you to tell us things". I have to assume he thought we were sitting waiting for him to tell us things?
I've started to wonder whether women use communication for connection and men use it for control. Or maybe control is not the right word, but something different the connection.
I know I've extrapolated my connection vs. control theory from a small weird interaction, but I have been seeing ways in which women use their voices in public space to connect people, while men sometimes use their voices in public to control people. Obviously this is not always a bad thing - people need direction - but how much different would it be if male default communication was focused on connection as well?
I also think control has a quite negative implication here. It might be the wrong word entirely. My husband read one of my texts the other day and said "no wonder you need a smartphone, your texts are paragraphs!". But they are! I know I'm nominally planning a meetup at a castle, but I am also trying to communicate with someone about my life and ask them about theirs. And also meet in a castle.
Andy has a weekly run club. He sends one text "run club tonight?" and then people come or don't.
Do you use communication for connection? A random question, but what is your favourite way of communicating and is it the same as your favourite way of connecting with people? Or am I reading way too much into an 85 year old ranting about America
I think older people just want someone to talk to or listen to their views because it makes them feel relevant ( not in a bad way). I suppose they can feel isolated as society may make them feel they have nothing more to contribute and I can imagine that’s tough for someone who is mentally sharp and making an effort to keep up with current events. Perhaps the isolation becomes more apparent for men when they are older as they don’t have the same connections as women.
ReplyDeleteMy impression is that communication with males seems to be an exchange of information whereas when it’s between women there seem to be many additional layers.
Oh that's a good point! I didn't feel that "control" was the right word. "Exchange of info" is much better.
DeleteVery interesting thought about isolation becoming worse without connection. I'm going to guess this is a Rachel comment? Thank you!
What an odd and irritating interruption! I think it's so interesting to look at the dynamics between men and women and I love your hypothesis about connection vs. control. With this man specifically, and with some men I've interacted with previously, it can seem like they have an inherent belief not only that their thoughts are the most important to share, but that everyone will WANT to hear them. Not really a show of dominance, but an expectation that their points are essential. I feel like I'm describing this poorly lol.
ReplyDeleteI definitely use communication for connection. My husband is pretty good about connecting with me but sometimes his communications can be very fact-based, which can come across as cold.
Ugh, I think that would have really harshed the buzz of a lovely conversation and pedicure. I do not need men explaining the world to me, but BOY do they want to explain it.
ReplyDeleteI agree with you. I worked in a male dominated field and I got tired of the pissing contest. I sometimes just had to say, gentlemen, lets get this done rather than discussion how big our #$%%^s are, which is getting us nowhere. They wanted control or to tell people what they should do to "fix" things, but did not really want to do the actual work (or alternatively, work on the relationship or communication) to get the thing done. This was not true for all men, but definitely the ones in finance have a bit of a complex sometimes.
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