I got my first iPhone in 2011, and then I had various other smart devices until 2021. I had an iPhone when my son was born in 2018 and my daughter in 2020 and I remember sometimes my screentime would be 8-10 hours a day. I always said it was because I was feeding and watching TV and awake with a baby (which I certainly was) but I also know in retrospect I was trying to escape from feeding and being awake with a baby.
My friend once commented that my shoulders must hurt because I'm always scrunched over my phone. There were WhatsApp and Reddit groups for new moms so I felt like I was making connections and bonding with people. However, I don't look back at that time as particularly social or bonding. I doubt many people think of the newborn stage as social or bonding, but I find it weird that my constant phone use kept me from realizing how isolating and exhausting (and special and life changing) that time was.
Maybe the distortion of the phone is a distortion of the experiencing self vs. the remembering self? Often times, we experience things far different than we remember them. Most of my outdoor pursuits are experienced with pain and discomfort, and remembered with joy and excitement. Somehow, smartphone use seems to reverse the trend. I experienced things with an entertained numbness and remembered them for the hard times they were.
What really sent me down this path was the Pandemic, when the world said "It's okay, just do it online!" and I thought "it's not okay, I don't want to do it online" and somehow no one was able to acknowledge that it was generally so much worse than before. I didn't want to do Zooms. I didn't want to have all day group chats. I didn't want my two year old in front of a screen watching a librarian reading a book. I just wanted to be around people.
Johan Hari argued in Stolen Focus that the Pandemic gave us a glimpse into the world that Silicon valley (ie smartphone app central) was moving us towards. It happened very quickly and jarringly and hopefully many of us decided we don't like that world, that we value people and places and things that are real.
However, Hari's book came out in 2021, and I feel we are already forgetting how much screen overuse sucked. How much better real life is.
For a while, when restaurants opened and people were out and about, I saw fewer phones. I saw parks with parents playing with kids, and paying attention to them. Parents chatting at the school gates. More and more I see parks filled with adults on phones. Restaurants of children on ipads. Parents waiting in their cars at school pickup, heads buried in phones.
When people were taken away from us we turned to digital.
I sometimes wonder, if digital was taken away, would we all turn back to people?
You need to write an article for the NYT on this! So much great fodder here and you have hit the nail on the head re. the pandemic. There was a short honeymoon period when restrictions started easing where people seemed to shift their focus from devices to people, but how quickly we forget the gnawing ache of separation and having to do everything on a screen...now that we feel like we "could" see people in person...so why not just make do with a screen instead.
ReplyDeleteAlso, I found this observation wonderfully encapsulated things: "Most of my outdoor pursuits are experienced with pain and discomfort, and remembered with joy and excitement. Somehow, smartphone use seems to reverse the trend. I experienced things with an entertained numbness and remembered them for the hard times they were." Yes, yes, yes!
Thank you Elisabeth! I always really appreciate your comments and it's interesting to hear that you observed the same "honeymoon" where you live too. I'm really enjoying your current posts on screens as well.
DeleteDon't get me wrong, I am THRILLED that the pandemic opened the door to WFH. I don't mean to throw shade on my coworkers, but I'd rather have lunch with my husband and the dog and be home when the boys get home from school. Call me crazy but I prefer it over the old days when I would leave them to go to an office where I would spend the day on Zoom calls with people in other offices.
ReplyDeleteI feel like now we have the OPTION for the best of both worlds - using technology where it makes sense and doing in person things. But to your point, just because we have the option doesn't mean that we always take it. It took me a while to realize that yes WFH is great but also I was never leaving the house which was not great. In the last year I've "traveled" locally and it's been eye opening.
Oh I should do a separate post about WFH and remote work because I am absolutely loving it too and think it's the best thing to come out of the pandemic. My husband and I are living a family & career life that would never have been possible before, we are both working for better companies than before, and it's honestly great for us. I think so much of office time was wasted, I know I would sit at my desk and sometimes do nothing if I felt off all day.
DeleteI think most of my "virtual is worse" mentally applies soley to non-work life. Although I do find going into the office nice, I don't think much would be lost if I became a fully remote worker. I like having lunch with my husband and I like keeping on top of laundry and meal prep.
It is true that WFH is great but never leaving the house is not so great - I'm glad you're getting on local adventures! It is weird how easy it can become to stay at home every day when you're remote working.
I am with Birchie on the idea that there is a best of both worlds. I tend to like one on one, non group interaction in general and I have never leaned heavily on my phone, so maybe it is easier for me, but I feel like I can have both. I want to be able to use my phone for maps and things where it excels in providing a benefit to me, and not use it as a substitute for things that really matter, like a conversation with a real human, or getting out into the forest to look at the trees rather than watching a video about someone else doing that. Since the pandemic, my family has had a weekly Zoom call to catch up and it has (1) been a great way to stay in touch and (2) does NOT mean that we spend less in person time together. In this case, I would say it is a bonus, not a hinderance.
ReplyDeleteIt sounds like you have a really balanced approach! I am aware that my relationship with my phone was probably on the more negative spectrum than most people, but what I find jarring now is that it wasn't really perceived that way.
DeleteI think it's somewhat like drinking/drugs in college - behaviors that are objectively unhealthy can be reinforced socially but some people chose not to engage in them.
The idea of using your phone when it benefits (maps etc!) and not to substitute real life sounds perfect to me. I sometimes had trouble distinguishing between the two, but someday I'm sure I will get a smartphone again and will work on my habits and my own choices again too.
I am with Birchie and Kyria. I'd like to think that I can have the best of two worlds... the ease of technology at our fingertips, but also real and human interaction. But I realized that it's a careful (sometimes precarious) balance that we have to strike.
ReplyDeleteI think I may have come across as overly against remote in this post - I definitely think that technology has it's place. But I don't think it's a good replacement for human interaction, it's need to be additional to human interaction. I fully love my remote job and don't miss people in the office, but I never want to do a zoom social again in my life :-)
DeleteI just sampled Johann Hari's Stolen Focus and put a hold on it in the library. Have you read "Lost Connections" by him? It was good but dense.
ReplyDeleteI examined my phone usage just the other day (inspired by SHU who was I think inspired by you :)
https://momofchildren.wordpress.com/2023/04/29/my-relationship-with-my-phone-thoughts/
I recently listened to Stolen Focus on Audio Book. I did like it a lot and it had a lot of interesting information. Some pieces I found less compelling than other bits but his interviews with tech people were so good and I really loved his discussion about/with Nir Eyal, who wrote a book about smartphones which I wasn't too into. He was interviewed by SHU too and it was interesting to see Hari's perspective.
DeleteI also thought Lost Connections was amazing. I think the title was a bit misleading "why you're depressed" and may have limited people from reading the book who otherwise would enjoy it - I wanted to give it away after I read it but couldn't find any takers.
Thanks for the link to your blog post! It's so cool to see other people doing this sort of analysis of their phone use :-)
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